I don’t want to Grow Up

Recently a lot of my friends have turned 18. Even today one of my dearest friends has just turned 18. I know crazy like it feels like only five minutes ago that I started secondary school and that I just met her but now I’m in my final year of college and she’s going to university in September to do Bio Science. We’re are all growing so old. It’s just so crazy. Most of my friends can vote and be trusted to do adultie stuff, when only a blink ago we didn’t know each other and were just learning the alphabet. Where does the time actually go? Is there a secret place somewhere where time stops or goes slower, if so I need to find where it is.

The future has always scared me. Adults always talk about what they regret, what i should do with my life, how to live my life and all that talk has just confused me. How can I know what to do with my life when I have never worked in a big enough selection of fields to decide from their what I want to do? Why would your regret change anything in my life? People have different lives and are different so why would your regrets be any where close to mine?Why did I have to pick what future I want at such a young age? I have changed so much over the years and honestly I would have not picked the same GCSE’s if I knew know what I knew then. All these questions flood my mind and kind of terrify me. I don’t want to be in my forties and hate everything about my life. I don’t want to be one of those people who regret not doing what they could have done.

So turning into an adult for me is quite scary. Especially since everyone is going into different directions. I feel like all my friends are going to leave me or tare me to go into different directions similar to themselves since I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go. They all have dreams or some direction and I just feel left behind. I gave up on my dreams years ago, since nothing really worked for me. Watching my friends talk of dreams and hopes I get kind of jealous since I have taught myself not to be like that since most people tell me my dreams are unreachable or that I cannot possibly want that. When you turn into an adult you either reach for your dreams or you settle for whatever is given to you. I don’t want to be part of the second option. I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle that doesn’t end. I don’t want a routined life.

When I talk how the future scares me all anyone ever says is to talk to the careers advisor but the careers advisor can only advise one part of your life. They can’t tell you whats the best place to live to suit your personality or if you will actually find love. People just gather that the only part of the future that scares you is the career option whereas it all scares me. People scare me. The world in which I will awake to scares the living daylights out of me. What happens when my life is in ruins when I’m grown up who do I turn to? Will the same support be there? No careers advise can make this anxiety of the future disappear by telling me my perfect job. What happens if my perfect job becomes my perfect nightmare. Can the careers advisor help me then? No, the future is more than a job, its a different lifestyle to the one i have now.

I like change, in fact the norm is one of my most hatred things. Its just I don’t think i can deal with the change from child to adult. I can barely deal with my life now, how am i going to deal with it in the future. I only have one dream that people would see as reachable and a bit stupid and i am going to go for it. At least I tried if I failed. I just hope I don’t have an grown up mind when i do it. As Allison from the Breakfast Club said, “all dreams die when you become grown up”. I certainly hope I don’t grow up if that quote is true and that is why the future scares me.

Down with the Clones

I’ve always been a big fan of individualism since I was little. The person who stood out from the crowd was always the most intriguing person to me; whether it was because of how they talked or even how they dressed. Being different to them were natural, they knew they were different. They embraced the fact that we were all born differently and so there was no point conforming to what society said we all should be. Being different is celebrated all through our society and culture so why are even more people conforming to other peoples ideas of what they should be?

Whenever I go anywhere into the outside world I always see the same groups of friends together. I could go even further to say that you know that they are all friends because they are wearing nearly the exact same thing and that’s sad. They wear their clothes like a uniform. They’re like soldiers going to war against being different, being themselves, being who they want to be instead of being exactly like their friends. How can you tell the difference between them, how do you know that they aren’t all robots? You can’t. The only way they look different is through their genetics.

Maybe I don’t get why people would like to look like clones of each other because I’ve never been ‘in’ enough to become like everyone else. I always was an outsider when I was in my early teens. I tried to fit in and be like everyone else. I tried doing the same makeup as everyone else, act like everyone else, wear the same clothes like everyone else but it didn’t make me any friends. In fact it pushed people away, they believed I was being fake and I was. I was playing someone I wasn’t and everyone could see it. I was uncomfortable being someone I wasn’t so why was I doing it? To be totally truthful I did it to fit in, to become a clone and you know what it didn’t work. As soon as I acted how I wanted, dressed like I wanted, be who I was, I was happier.

I was accepted and I found my own group of people who were all different and embraced their difference. They knew that they couldn’t be like everyone else because they couldn’t conform to a stereotype. I found people who couldn’t act like someone else like me and that was fine. We were all similar but different all the same. I felt like I didn’t have to pretend to be another clone that our society had created and thats freedom.

These clones or groups of people who look the same happen for a number of reasons, I believe but the biggest and the most important reason it happens is because they feel that they won’t be accepted if they aren’t everyone else. To survive in this culture these teenagers believe that to be successful they need to be like everyone else; dress like everyone else, have the same aspirations like everyone else, act like everyone else, just to try and fit the cookie cutter of what they believe they have to be. These people are so caught up in trying to be the stereotype that they stop being who they are or who they want to be.

I might be wrong and don’t realise that some people want to be someone who they aren’t or want to be like everyone else. Its just I don’t see why people would swap their individualism for something so processed and fake. Why would you want to fit in so much that you feel that who you truly are isn’t enough, but if you want to be that person its fine. If you want to be like everyone else thats fine as well and I congratulate you on perusing what you want. All I want to know is, is it worth it?

Being like everyone else is fine when you need to fit into a school code or around people who also feel like they need to fit in but further down the line the more you break the stereotype the interesting you are. The more times you wear what you want to wear the more confident and comfortable you become. When you become truer to yourself you become surrounded with people who accept you for who you are and not what you act to be.

People don’t get told enough that being themselves and different is something to be proud of. I mean if Andie Walsh in Pretty in Pink wasn’t so different would she have brought forward the likes of Blaine, probably not. Andie wasn’t being different to fit a certain category or stereotype, she was different because that was who she was. More films like Pretty in Pink and Hairspray should be realised because it tells people that you will still be accepted and loved if you are different and being who you are is better than being any person you aspire to be because other people deem that as cool. Being yourself will get you accepted and if that is through being everyone else thats fine as long as you are yourself but if you realise that being everyone else isn’t you then become you. Be you, wear it like your favourite dress because none can be you. No one can act like you and talk like you. Embrace that you are different, except that you are an individual.

You a beautiful. You are amazing. You are different, an individual. Please stop trying to be someone your not. I love you just the way you are

So Many Patches to Go

Over the Summer I have been making a patchwork quilt from scrapes my nan has given me when she went through all her material. Everyday I have been sewing at least one hexagon to this patchwork quilt and its getting there. Its still very small but it is getting there. At the moment the patchwork is about a metre by fifty centimetres, which is good but there is still a long way to go. Plus when a hexagon is about eight centimetres in diameter its going to take a long time.

As well recently my Nana has given me even more material meaning i have different patterns to match with other different patterns. Before I had a few large bits of fabric which i was using more than the smaller pieces because I might only get one patch out of the smaller fabrics but i would get fifty patches from the bigger bits of fabric. The only problem of this was that a lot of the bigger pieces of material are Christmas material and I really don’t want a Christmas quilt so I have been trying to apply one stocking hexagon to four floral hexagons. This really does not work if you have more Christmas material then actual floral material. However now that I have more scrapes of floral material it should all be balanced out.

Also since I visited the Capital of England, London during the Summer (in fact I went to London twice this summer once for a weekend then again for a day) I visited Liberties and of course since Liberties is famous for material I just had to treat myself. What else do you do in Liberties? So I bought myself some gorgeous buttons to turn into earrings, a make your own pillow kit and some squares to cut into hexagons. I was going to buy some off cuts of the fabrics Liberties sold, but a pre cut bunch of off cuts was about £50, which is slightly alright a lot out of my budget. Only the rich quilters can have that material I’m telling you now. The squares was a much much cheaper alternative.

So that means that at the minute I’m trying not to add all my Liberty material all at once as well as trying to make the patches as un Christmassy as possible and it is kinda working. The patches look good and my hand stitching is getting better each day so it’s coming along nicely. When the patchwork is bigger I shall post a photo but for now

Ta ta

Jessica Boo Davis

xx

Disneybounding!

Recently a new craze has swept the Disney Fandom and that craze is a craze I actually quite enjoy, which is Disneybounding. I only found out about this craze a few months ago and I absolutely love it.  Its so clever, unique and fun to do plus it helps that you use what you already have.

Disneybounding is when you create a disney character inspired outfit to wear in your ordinary life. Taking inspiration from the characters colour scheme or from the key themes of what the character is about and even what they wear hard core disney fans make an outfit inspired by disney characters they love or inspire to be. As well as Disneybounding as their favourite characters many make outfits for the Disney characters on Polyvore to help inspire other Disneybounding enthusiasts on how to achieve a disney characters look whilst using their own wardrobe. Its a brilliant concept and one where everyone can join in no matter what your budget or your wardrobe looks like. Even if you aren’t a disney fan I guess you could Bound as any fandom or character you like.

I absolutely love to do more disneybounds since I have only done one so far. I have loads of ideas I just need to get some different items of clothing I make the look. I’m just missing some basics which would it in my wardrobe amazingly by themselves and would help me make brilliant disneybounds.

My first disneybound was going to college in a Indianan Jones inspired outfit. To do this outfit I paired a olive coloured boyfriend shirt with a pair of shorts and a bowler hat. It wasn’t the most Indiana jones in your face outfit but it did make a good disneybound.

Hopefully soon I will be doing the other disneybounds I have been planning but I won’t share what I’m going to do since I want it all hush hush. However I ashore you that they will be brilliant and when I do enough disneybounds hopefully I will do a look book full of them.

Ta ta for now

Jessicaboodavis

The First Project

Recently I have taken up a more crafty hobbie, making things. Now these things have ranged from pin cushions to quilts from revamping shorts to making skirts. In fact my first statement piece of clothing I have made this summer is a skirt and was inspired by another blogger ‘A Pair And A Spare’. This skirt is the shirt skirt.

A shirt skirt is essentially a revamping project and gives a new lease of life to something thrown out and unloved into something beautiful. A mans old shirt can become a beautiful skirt and is one of the easiest projects I have completed. All I did is cut and dew everything in place.

DIY Fashioista (the brilliant book by A Pair and a Spare) laid the tutorial beautifully and made it easy to read as well. It’s a must have for anyone who wants to make something new from something old or wants to give new life into something that is a bit unloved. Her blog is also a must for all those who want to try something new with their clothes or other people’s junk.

So like all make over shows shall we gaze at the before and after pictures of the project then.

Before

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After

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So my skirt was a huge success plus went with my wardrobe brilliantly. I would wear it daily if I could. A simple cut and sew made it beautiful, a monkey could make what I did. So hopefully maybe others will do too.

Ta ta for now
Jess

Ps sorry about the messy photos I have material everywhere from other projects

The Quilt Project

Recently my Nan had gone through most of her scrapes and was looking for someone to give them to and of course being the “I know I have a billion projects to do of course I can do something with this even though I am doing nothing in that section” type of person I took all the scraps.These scrape materials range from beautiful floral’s to farm animals, from plain stunning colours to unusual geometric prints from large chunks of fabric to tiny winy little pieces. It truly is a treasure chest of materials.

“But what could I do with all this material?” I asked myself when my Nan gave me the three massive carry bags of material and one floral patterned large box. So I decided to do use the fabrics in lots and lots of different ways and so far I have made two unusual pin cushions which are too cool for words and revamped two pairs of shorts which were in need of some fashion love. Now that I have done these little projects I want to do a slightly bigger project and hence the Quilt Project was born.

This project is going to take as long as it takes and every week I am going to find time to do a few panels of my quilt just using my Nana’s scrap material and maybe some of my scrap material when I finish my other big ass projects. This quilt is going to be a journey in itself to make and will carry different stories woven into its place. The story of each material is going to cross over into another and make a collection of journeys, stories and people onto one big quilt. My Nana only used to make things for people and not herself so each scrap of fabric has been picked by her for someone else so each panel will be someone else’s loves stitched together by my mothers sewing machine which now lives in my room. My mother’s sewing machine has turned into my pride and joy over the last few weeks. It truly is a life saver.

The quilt is going to follow a hexagon pattern so in the end will look like a really quirky bee hive for your bed and will make my beds into personal hives for the rest of my life hopefully. So in a way like a bee hive this quilt is going to be home to other peoples stories and will be a resting place. I can see this project ending in me making one of my most loved possessions. 

Anyhow I’m planning on blogging the journey on making my first quilt because like fashion programs the best bit of the television show is the wannabe fashion designer making the actual piece and not the actual finished project of the piece (well that’s what I enjoy more anyway). With most things its all about the journey there and not the final destination and that is why I am going to blog the whole makings of the quilt and also because I really want to share this with somebody.

So this is my introduction, I guess, to The Quilt Project. I hope you enjoy.

A Must Listen!!!

So recently on youtube The Pierces have released a cover of one of my favourite songs Ordinary World by Duran Duran. This cover is beautiful and the harmonies really add to the song and give it a rich tone. Somehow having the song stripped back from what it is originally, even though you can’t strip it back that much, it makes the song more relate able and you fall in love with the song all over again.

If you have not heard of Duran Duran you are missing out on one fabulous 80’s band, who’s songs are both catchy and beautiful in their own way but also so inventive. Duran Duran are  band that everyone must hear some point in their lives. They are just incredible, with up beat songs like Rio and Wild Boys band distinctive songs like Girls on Film and Hungry like the Wolf. This band is just incredible and a must listen to if you like 80’s music and beautifully written songs.

The Pierces however are a very recent band, who came into the limelight with their single Secret which is the theme tune for pretty little liars. These two sisters have such a distinguished sound by having beautifully written songs with creepy little twists inside and beautiful harmonies backed by little production which gives the Pierces such a different sound to most artists which are popular today. I just love this band and their new single Kings is probably going to be my summer anthem.

Take a hit by Duran Duran add some Pierces magical harmonies and you get one kick ass cover, which I truly love and have on repeat. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

The End is Neigh

At the end of this week I would have officially finished A1 at Sixth Form, and all I can say is thank goodness I only have another year of A levels. I just hate A levels so much so this milestone is quite important to me, since it means I only have to endure college for another six months. The unneeded pressure of A levels will soon be over and hopefully then I can breath.

I have had some good memories at sixth form this year; I have met some wonderful people, I have gotten closer to some of my friends, I only study what I want to and I have some amazing teachers. Which are all brilliant because I have experienced so many things but I feel as if I am lagging behind and have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way to the now. I just do not feel right at the moment, I feel as if I am meant to live a different life at the moment. Maybe my self doubt is my downfall.

There is a lot to doubt though. I have stressed maybe too much, I have lost contact with some of my closest friends, I have fallen out with people, in other words I have become a walking talking soap opera. I cannot let go of those facts. Living in the past is enhancing my anxiety and my self doubt. Its turning into something I can’t control and something I can’t be. Something I won’t be.

In my mind my hopelessness is linked with college. It’s the only big thing in my life which has changed me and when it is over maybe my negativeness will be too. The stress that has been involved in my life recently has been linked to college and expectations. Both tie together quite nicely and involve college way more than it should. Stress from not wanting to fail and trying not to let people down. Caring for what everyone else sees as me as made me doubt and made me weak, in some aspects.

When I finish college or at least have a break I think that is when I will finally relax and feel like myself again. It will give me time to recover, to plan, to relax and hopefully I will find myself again and feel right.

Passion will save me

Since I have feeling quite down recently I have decided to start doing more and find myself some hobbies. I have finally gotten back into jewellery making and I have decided to brush off my sewing skills and finally learn how to make some nice clothes.

I have wanted to make clothes for ages since the shops have either everything I love in or I can never find clothes that I truly like. If there are things I love in that’s great but when the high street has nothing worth while to buy and you have little time to shop it’s a bit depressing. So instead of adventuring outside I could make myself something and others too. Also who knows when you need a killer original outfit or when you might be the fairy godmother. First fairy godmother next the fashion industry.

My first project has been to make a pin cushion, in fact it has become a voodoo heart pin cushion, (For all y’all voodoo magic and textiles needs!). It hasn’t come out the best but for the first attempt it is pretty and I’m only going to jab needles into it so…..I have a lot more fabric in the same colours so I can always make them again and improve with time. Practice certainly makes perfect. I’m pretty proud of my little pin cushion. It’s a brilliant project for someone who can see but hasn’t since year 9. Bless I had to ask my mum how to set up the sewing machine since I had forgotten. That’s how much I have neglected my sewing skills. Anyhow a pin cushion is perfect to make to get back into sewing as a hobbie as I have found out. Like I said first pin cushions next the fashion industry.

Also since I have been struggling recently I have also neglected my little passion for making cute bracelets with slogans on. I just couldn’t do my orders and so I have slipt behind and finally I have caught up on the orders but not on my own. I have many little designs to complete and show.

Anyhow my point of this is that because I’m forcing myself to do stuff and to look after myself I am slowly getting back to normal and soon I will be better. Having passions has always made me feel like I’m important and worth something so gaining these hobbies should make me feel better. They have started to anyhow. So I guess my point is to keep going and to learn and experience and gain passions that make you want to be alive and so you will feel some self worth

Thank you
Jess

Ps I thought I would share my little projects with you and if ya enjoy follow my Instagram where I update all my projects regularly and thus you might be inspired like I have been

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I’m Struggling

My mentality is very up and down. Some weeks I feel as if I could conquer the world and I’m happy, other weeks I feel as if death would be a better option than living. There is never an in between and I’m scared for myself. I feel like a swan on the outside perfectly fine but on the inside I feel as if I’m struggling to stay afloat and my legs are giving way. I just want to stop fighting. All I do is fight and work, but nothing is good enough to work.

I have never been perfect or anything special and I was fine with that. Not everyone was made to change the world but recently I feel as if I don’t matter. I’m not needed. I feel as if I don’t have a purpose and the world would keep spinning if I wasn’t here. All I see are faces in a crowd, and I’m in the crowd but at the same time disembodied from the crowd. I join in but I am never accepted, I’m just another mask: artificial, fake and worse than the real thing. I don’t know who I am any more and I’m so scared, I’ve lost my identity.

All I do is work and I feel like I am going nowhere.If anything all this work is making me a poor employee and student. I feel as if I am not successful. All my wrongs haven’t even made one right. Everyone has such a bright future with whatever they do and I see no bright future for me in fact I see no future. I’m stuck in this messed up maze called life and I see no way out. I feel as if I have nothing to fight for. I’ve lost all my passion. Everyone walks life at different rates but I feel like the child in last place who can never keep up with everyone else. 

I have never been a good person, I don’t believe good and bad people exist. I’ve made so many mistakes over the last few months out so spite, selfishness that I feel as if I am the villain in everyone else’s lives, the common enemy as some might say. The weakest link others might say. I don’t belong here, I never have and trying to fit doesn’t work. All I feel is guilt and despair, everything I do has a negative impact. I keep putting my efforts into other people so I don’t have to think about my own train wreck and that isn’t working, I think that is why I am turning into the villain. I keep messing up everything around me and myself.

For once I want to feel stronger than glass. I want to feel happy and loved instead…..I want to feel some kind of worth and importance instead of an extra in everyone else’s show. That is the struggle my friend; the struggle to feel my self worth.