The Quilt Project

Recently my Nan had gone through most of her scrapes and was looking for someone to give them to and of course being the “I know I have a billion projects to do of course I can do something with this even though I am doing nothing in that section” type of person I took all the scraps.These scrape materials range from beautiful floral’s to farm animals, from plain stunning colours to unusual geometric prints from large chunks of fabric to tiny winy little pieces. It truly is a treasure chest of materials.

“But what could I do with all this material?” I asked myself when my Nan gave me the three massive carry bags of material and one floral patterned large box. So I decided to do use the fabrics in lots and lots of different ways and so far I have made two unusual pin cushions which are too cool for words and revamped two pairs of shorts which were in need of some fashion love. Now that I have done these little projects I want to do a slightly bigger project and hence the Quilt Project was born.

This project is going to take as long as it takes and every week I am going to find time to do a few panels of my quilt just using my Nana’s scrap material and maybe some of my scrap material when I finish my other big ass projects. This quilt is going to be a journey in itself to make and will carry different stories woven into its place. The story of each material is going to cross over into another and make a collection of journeys, stories and people onto one big quilt. My Nana only used to make things for people and not herself so each scrap of fabric has been picked by her for someone else so each panel will be someone else’s loves stitched together by my mothers sewing machine which now lives in my room. My mother’s sewing machine has turned into my pride and joy over the last few weeks. It truly is a life saver.

The quilt is going to follow a hexagon pattern so in the end will look like a really quirky bee hive for your bed and will make my beds into personal hives for the rest of my life hopefully. So in a way like a bee hive this quilt is going to be home to other peoples stories and will be a resting place. I can see this project ending in me making one of my most loved possessions. 

Anyhow I’m planning on blogging the journey on making my first quilt because like fashion programs the best bit of the television show is the wannabe fashion designer making the actual piece and not the actual finished project of the piece (well that’s what I enjoy more anyway). With most things its all about the journey there and not the final destination and that is why I am going to blog the whole makings of the quilt and also because I really want to share this with somebody.

So this is my introduction, I guess, to The Quilt Project. I hope you enjoy.

A Must Listen!!!

So recently on youtube The Pierces have released a cover of one of my favourite songs Ordinary World by Duran Duran. This cover is beautiful and the harmonies really add to the song and give it a rich tone. Somehow having the song stripped back from what it is originally, even though you can’t strip it back that much, it makes the song more relate able and you fall in love with the song all over again.

If you have not heard of Duran Duran you are missing out on one fabulous 80’s band, who’s songs are both catchy and beautiful in their own way but also so inventive. Duran Duran are  band that everyone must hear some point in their lives. They are just incredible, with up beat songs like Rio and Wild Boys band distinctive songs like Girls on Film and Hungry like the Wolf. This band is just incredible and a must listen to if you like 80’s music and beautifully written songs.

The Pierces however are a very recent band, who came into the limelight with their single Secret which is the theme tune for pretty little liars. These two sisters have such a distinguished sound by having beautifully written songs with creepy little twists inside and beautiful harmonies backed by little production which gives the Pierces such a different sound to most artists which are popular today. I just love this band and their new single Kings is probably going to be my summer anthem.

Take a hit by Duran Duran add some Pierces magical harmonies and you get one kick ass cover, which I truly love and have on repeat. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

The End is Neigh

At the end of this week I would have officially finished A1 at Sixth Form, and all I can say is thank goodness I only have another year of A levels. I just hate A levels so much so this milestone is quite important to me, since it means I only have to endure college for another six months. The unneeded pressure of A levels will soon be over and hopefully then I can breath.

I have had some good memories at sixth form this year; I have met some wonderful people, I have gotten closer to some of my friends, I only study what I want to and I have some amazing teachers. Which are all brilliant because I have experienced so many things but I feel as if I am lagging behind and have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way to the now. I just do not feel right at the moment, I feel as if I am meant to live a different life at the moment. Maybe my self doubt is my downfall.

There is a lot to doubt though. I have stressed maybe too much, I have lost contact with some of my closest friends, I have fallen out with people, in other words I have become a walking talking soap opera. I cannot let go of those facts. Living in the past is enhancing my anxiety and my self doubt. Its turning into something I can’t control and something I can’t be. Something I won’t be.

In my mind my hopelessness is linked with college. It’s the only big thing in my life which has changed me and when it is over maybe my negativeness will be too. The stress that has been involved in my life recently has been linked to college and expectations. Both tie together quite nicely and involve college way more than it should. Stress from not wanting to fail and trying not to let people down. Caring for what everyone else sees as me as made me doubt and made me weak, in some aspects.

When I finish college or at least have a break I think that is when I will finally relax and feel like myself again. It will give me time to recover, to plan, to relax and hopefully I will find myself again and feel right.

Passion will save me

Since I have feeling quite down recently I have decided to start doing more and find myself some hobbies. I have finally gotten back into jewellery making and I have decided to brush off my sewing skills and finally learn how to make some nice clothes.

I have wanted to make clothes for ages since the shops have either everything I love in or I can never find clothes that I truly like. If there are things I love in that’s great but when the high street has nothing worth while to buy and you have little time to shop it’s a bit depressing. So instead of adventuring outside I could make myself something and others too. Also who knows when you need a killer original outfit or when you might be the fairy godmother. First fairy godmother next the fashion industry.

My first project has been to make a pin cushion, in fact it has become a voodoo heart pin cushion, (For all y’all voodoo magic and textiles needs!). It hasn’t come out the best but for the first attempt it is pretty and I’m only going to jab needles into it so…..I have a lot more fabric in the same colours so I can always make them again and improve with time. Practice certainly makes perfect. I’m pretty proud of my little pin cushion. It’s a brilliant project for someone who can see but hasn’t since year 9. Bless I had to ask my mum how to set up the sewing machine since I had forgotten. That’s how much I have neglected my sewing skills. Anyhow a pin cushion is perfect to make to get back into sewing as a hobbie as I have found out. Like I said first pin cushions next the fashion industry.

Also since I have been struggling recently I have also neglected my little passion for making cute bracelets with slogans on. I just couldn’t do my orders and so I have slipt behind and finally I have caught up on the orders but not on my own. I have many little designs to complete and show.

Anyhow my point of this is that because I’m forcing myself to do stuff and to look after myself I am slowly getting back to normal and soon I will be better. Having passions has always made me feel like I’m important and worth something so gaining these hobbies should make me feel better. They have started to anyhow. So I guess my point is to keep going and to learn and experience and gain passions that make you want to be alive and so you will feel some self worth

Thank you
Jess

Ps I thought I would share my little projects with you and if ya enjoy follow my Instagram where I update all my projects regularly and thus you might be inspired like I have been

20140619-215402-78842023.jpg

20140619-215401-78841214.jpg

I’m Struggling

My mentality is very up and down. Some weeks I feel as if I could conquer the world and I’m happy, other weeks I feel as if death would be a better option than living. There is never an in between and I’m scared for myself. I feel like a swan on the outside perfectly fine but on the inside I feel as if I’m struggling to stay afloat and my legs are giving way. I just want to stop fighting. All I do is fight and work, but nothing is good enough to work.

I have never been perfect or anything special and I was fine with that. Not everyone was made to change the world but recently I feel as if I don’t matter. I’m not needed. I feel as if I don’t have a purpose and the world would keep spinning if I wasn’t here. All I see are faces in a crowd, and I’m in the crowd but at the same time disembodied from the crowd. I join in but I am never accepted, I’m just another mask: artificial, fake and worse than the real thing. I don’t know who I am any more and I’m so scared, I’ve lost my identity.

All I do is work and I feel like I am going nowhere.If anything all this work is making me a poor employee and student. I feel as if I am not successful. All my wrongs haven’t even made one right. Everyone has such a bright future with whatever they do and I see no bright future for me in fact I see no future. I’m stuck in this messed up maze called life and I see no way out. I feel as if I have nothing to fight for. I’ve lost all my passion. Everyone walks life at different rates but I feel like the child in last place who can never keep up with everyone else. 

I have never been a good person, I don’t believe good and bad people exist. I’ve made so many mistakes over the last few months out so spite, selfishness that I feel as if I am the villain in everyone else’s lives, the common enemy as some might say. The weakest link others might say. I don’t belong here, I never have and trying to fit doesn’t work. All I feel is guilt and despair, everything I do has a negative impact. I keep putting my efforts into other people so I don’t have to think about my own train wreck and that isn’t working, I think that is why I am turning into the villain. I keep messing up everything around me and myself.

For once I want to feel stronger than glass. I want to feel happy and loved instead…..I want to feel some kind of worth and importance instead of an extra in everyone else’s show. That is the struggle my friend; the struggle to feel my self worth.

 

My new addiction: bracelet making

Recently since nearly finishing my exams I have gotten a hobbie to do instead of spending my hours revising at knowledge that I’m going to forget in a months time and that hobbie is making bracelets. If you follow me on Instagram then you’d know perfectly well that I’m getting addicted to making bracelets. I keep posting my pictures of my bracelets like I’m a proud mother wanting to share my children’s achievements with the world. My Instagram had turned into a ‘look at my creation’ instead of ‘look where I have been’, I guess this is how God feels, if he is real.

Anyhow I think my addiction had started because making bracelets is super fun and super easy plus I find it really therapeutic and relaxing. Another factor is that I work in a shop that sells beads and everything you need to make jewellery, which is a plus since then I get money off the stuff I need to make my little beauties. Also my boss can do all the fancy stuff and makes his own jewellery and kind of inspired me to make my own.

So making bracelets is my new hobbie and it’s been going well. I really enjoy it and I have actually made some cute stuff that I can actually see as being sold in high street stores. I have also been asked to make replicas of my designs for friends and friends of my family who love my designs. So I’m getting my work out there and that’s really exciting!!!! For me anyhow.

Hopefully this addiction is better than other addictions like drugs and stuff. I don’t think I can get ill by making too many bracelets, hopefully not. The only thing my new addiction will do is mean that I have more bracelets and I’m creating a line of cute jewellery so no one gets hurt plus I’m bringing joy to other people through my designs.
So all good.

Anyhow these are some if my designs. I hope you enjoy!

20140525-190222-68542461.jpg

20140525-190224-68544445.jpg

20140525-190223-68543225.jpg

20140525-190221-68541130.jpg

Life Update

So I need to apologise for something. Recently I have completely rejected my blog. I know I’m horrified myself for letting my blog feel so rejected. I’m sorry baby. Anyhow I have a few reasons why I haven’t been writing recently, well I have one reason: exams.

Exams recently have taken over my life , literally. Most days for the last month I have been stressed about taking exams, studying for exams, procrastinating from studying for my exams and finally I have been taking my exams. So the last few months has been stressful since ever since September I have literally been told if I fail I will be doomed all through my life and will fail and die alone. Ok I might be exaggerating, actually I’m not that’s literally A levels for you. A levels aka the most stressful two years of your entire life.

Anyhow now I have only one exam left, statistics (kill me now), I should be blogging more because that’s the only subject I need to revise for instead of all 8 exams. The last two weeks have literally been a living hell. In fact I think hell would have been better than doing a philosophy and ethics exam with extra time. It’s only 4 essays but I was in that exam room from 9-1:15 so was a bit horrid.

As well as exams I have been working a lot which is fun since I love my job. It’s in the cutest boutique in North Yorkshire and one of the most unique places to shop as well. So I end up spending my wages in the shop as well but my room is pretty. But the only problem that I have found with working in the shop is that children like to stare at me. Like I worked one day and a toddler spent all hist time in the shop just staring at me with and expressionless expression on his face. It was scary. What was worse though is that his parents got scared at how much he stared at me and thought I did something. That was a great experience if I do say so myself.

So that my life recently work and revise. Not the best way to live but it’s only a wave and not the whole ocean so it’s going to end soon hopefully. At the moment I’m de-stressing and thus will write more

Ta ta for now
Jess

Ps the exams have made brought thus into my life.

The Vintage Fair!

On Easter Monday, I know it’s a bit ago but revision has taken over my life, I went to the local vintage fair at scarborough’s spa. This vintage fair was hosted by vintagous who do vintage fairs up and down the Yorkshire Coast. Vintagous organise all different stalls which sell vintage items, from home wear to vinyl, from dresses to bunting. The vintage fair sells everything vintage or retro. It’s truly an amazing sight to behold, all these beautiful wacky stalls jam packed together. It brings such a fun atmosphere!

The entertainment also adds to the atmosphere since singers or dancers are always performing no matter which room you are in. After watching some 1930s style dancing me and my friend Adam decided we should bring it back as the new twerk! It’s too elegant and beautiful not to! Also they had on 1930 and 1950 style singers which were on point and made you feel imported back in time to the days were they were hit songs and they had no such thing as the internet. Although that would be rather sad.

20140505-212724.jpg

I decided to go to the vintage dress fully dressed in a 1950s inspired outfit, including hair and makeup. I pulled my hair back in a messy bun and added a vintage scarf which I purchased at the last vintage fair I visited. I teamed this with cat eyes flick eye liner and deep red lips courtesy of MAC makeup. I decided to wear a green and white strip crop jumper from hollister with a pair of skinny jeans and my leather brogues! True vintage style which is hardly vintage.

20140505-213609.jpg

The day started out as everyone meting at Meryls then we all walked down to the spa and payed £2 to enter the vintage version of the Aladdin’s cave, but you could see the very cute vintage vehicles for free (which were so beautiful and left me wanting one). We were all gob smacked by the sheer sight and beauty of the fair. It was truly amazing to walk round. Adam bought the first purchase of us three and it was a vintage scarf which I then told him how to style so then we could all match. This scarf was such a bargain and only took him back £1 and it was so pretty as well. It was such an amazing deal!!!

The second purchase was by me and it was one of the best things I have ever found anywhere but I have to fully explain why. My nana a few months ago gave me her old cream bowl to use as something to put my jewellery in. It’s a really beautiful cream bowl and dates back to the 1930s. However whilst I was looking round a stall in search of a vintage suitcase I found two miniature versions of the same cream bowl. I was overfilled with joy! At £2 each I thought they were such a bargain as well and now I have a full set!!!! It’s just too cute to be true. Although I have no idea what I am to use the mini bowls for.

The rest of the purchases made by the group were Adam and his killer 80s black and white checker breakfast club John Bender style jacket, a matching top and skirt by me which will be revealed in my summer lookbook and a 1970s brief case (which isn’t leather but pleather as the shop assistant kindly told me). Each purchase of that day was just too good not to pass. I wish I bought more. There was just too much to buy!

So here are a few photos to show what I bought and how I spent the day.

20140505-220716.jpg

20140505-220730.jpg

20140505-220748.jpg

20140505-220801.jpg

20140505-220812.jpg

A Levels aka the stress of all your life.

My AS levels are coming up (sarcastic yay) so I haven’t had much time to do anything recently. My timetable is literally work, revising, eating and sleeping which is equally horrible and boring. Also now since the governments have pushed forward application dates it means I also have to choose what degree I want to do and where to go. Most of my sixth form is “what’s your future/ I think you should do…/ I think (insert university I don’t care about here) to do…../ wow you have this hobbie why don’t you get a degree in it” and all this speech has made me want to die or made me cry from stress in a corner. Like I can’t decide what I want to eat most of the time let alone decide my future.

Also telling teenagers who have probably a handful of life experiences between them to decide one of the biggest decisions of there life whilst making sure they can recite everything you say so they can get a good qualification, is not the best thing I the world. Use parrots are already stressed with reciting a load of stuff that we probably won’t remember in the future or if we do it’s for a pub quiz or that we actually achieved getting a job in that area. This qualification we are getting is just to show that we can recite useless information and show that we can be controlled even if underneath you are breaking from stress. The education system: making sure we produce parrots instead of thinkers.

A levels are made out to be the pathway to happiness and success a qualification that will make you find enlightenment if you succeed at a good grade. A levels are a miracle to some people but they just don’t suit me. I’ve been in education for about 13 years now and I’m sick of just reciting information that I will forget a year down the line. I’m only getting A levels because I have no idea of what else I should do and because most of my friends pretty much new there future and A levels were the easiest option to pick. I mean nearly everyone does them.

What I’m getting at is that I’m sick if doing what everyone else is doing, I feel trapped in a birdcage and I am slowly becoming a trophy for the college to show off, a mere statistic and that shouldn’t be education. Education should be inspiring and a mentally safe environment. Not a place where stress, depression and loss of hope devoir you. Education should be a place where you enhance your brain activity and makes you think about the world, not make you into another mindless robot who can pass an exam.

The Fear

Recently I feel myself slipping. I no longer care about most things and I’m scared that when I stop caring is the day I give up. I have stopped caring about my A levels because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. The stress of everyone rushing off; the stress of choosing university, the stress of everyone knowing their future but you having no idea.I have always said that the Day I Stop Fighting for myself is the day I die. So what will happen when I don’t care to fight anymore?

What I mean by fight is to try; try to gain equality, try to change minds, try to do well in school work, try to be friendly, try to be blunt and kind, try to be myself. When I stop trying to make my life better or my future better is when I think my mentality will slips. When I stop bothering with myself and trying to be the best I can be, I start to notice every flaw I own and never stop. I start hating myself and start fighting a different battle. So I try to focus on fighting for change and start trying again but it’s difficult to fight two battles

It’s like Nazi Germany fighting on two fronts eventually one will give way. I will either start hating myself or give up. I know how to live with one of them but if I lose on both sides, I don’t know. Hatred and no hope is a dangerous mix. It’s even worse when it’s all in your mind. It isolates you from the rest of the world; friends, family, work colleges. You smile to cover it up but everyone notices change, even if it seems small. Even then sometimes smiling doesn’t cover it up. I know people who when they went through their own hatred and had no hope in themselves turned to other methods of dealing with it which were more dramatic and left bigger battle scars both physical and mentally.

I have never self harmed. I have never missed a meal to look better in the mirror or threw up the family meal so I can deal with myself in the mirror. I have however ate to hide the pain. I have cried in front of a mirror. I have completely shut down and alienated myself from my friends. I have laughed when I wanted to cry. I have thought that the world would be better off without me. I have believed that I make no impact on other peoples life. I have bottled up my feelings that lead to an outburst. I have gone through stages where I can’t find one good thing about me. I have had times when my parents don’t understand. I have cried myself to sleep. I have seen myself as a monster. I have blamed myself for being bullied but I somehow survived.

Over this time I have built myself this industrial strength mask so that it doesn’t hurt when I am rejected or insulted. A mask to help me laugh it all of. A mask to help me through the day. My mask is beautiful to make me feel beautiful; my mask lets me be me, the me that never gets hurt. The mask to me is like a shield, hiding and protecting it’s holder. My mask hides and protects my weaknesses because I am weak if I show any emotion that isn’t passion or happiness. I don’t want to let people know I am weak. I want people to see me as a strong badass. The badass not as much but I want people to know my strength.

Eventually though someone says something and a crack appears on my mask and my weaknesses are hit. A tsunami of terror hits me. The little insult turns into this force that literally knocks me over and I am back into self loathing. All the climbing up the mountain of happiness, all the positive thoughts that took months to get too just disappear. I fall straight down the rabbit hole into some horrible nightmare, in which I cannot escape. It can take weeks, months to get back to the real world but after some time of falling and getting back up do you one day decide not to get up? One day do you finally give into your demons? Is there a point of no return?

I feel myself slipping back into this cycle again of falling and getting up and I am scared of the moment of no return. Will I stay alienated? Will I shatter mirrors? Will I inflict pain on myself? Will I eat until I burst? Will there be one less mouth to feed? That is my real fear.