My mentality is very up and down. Some weeks I feel as if I could conquer the world and I’m happy, other weeks I feel as if death would be a better option than living. There is never an in between and I’m scared for myself. I feel like a swan on the outside perfectly fine but on the inside I feel as if I’m struggling to stay afloat and my legs are giving way. I just want to stop fighting. All I do is fight and work, but nothing is good enough to work.
I have never been perfect or anything special and I was fine with that. Not everyone was made to change the world but recently I feel as if I don’t matter. I’m not needed. I feel as if I don’t have a purpose and the world would keep spinning if I wasn’t here. All I see are faces in a crowd, and I’m in the crowd but at the same time disembodied from the crowd. I join in but I am never accepted, I’m just another mask: artificial, fake and worse than the real thing. I don’t know who I am any more and I’m so scared, I’ve lost my identity.
All I do is work and I feel like I am going nowhere.If anything all this work is making me a poor employee and student. I feel as if I am not successful. All my wrongs haven’t even made one right. Everyone has such a bright future with whatever they do and I see no bright future for me in fact I see no future. I’m stuck in this messed up maze called life and I see no way out. I feel as if I have nothing to fight for. I’ve lost all my passion. Everyone walks life at different rates but I feel like the child in last place who can never keep up with everyone else.
I have never been a good person, I don’t believe good and bad people exist. I’ve made so many mistakes over the last few months out so spite, selfishness that I feel as if I am the villain in everyone else’s lives, the common enemy as some might say. The weakest link others might say. I don’t belong here, I never have and trying to fit doesn’t work. All I feel is guilt and despair, everything I do has a negative impact. I keep putting my efforts into other people so I don’t have to think about my own train wreck and that isn’t working, I think that is why I am turning into the villain. I keep messing up everything around me and myself.
For once I want to feel stronger than glass. I want to feel happy and loved instead…..I want to feel some kind of worth and importance instead of an extra in everyone else’s show. That is the struggle my friend; the struggle to feel my self worth.