At the end of this week I would have officially finished A1 at Sixth Form, and all I can say is thank goodness I only have another year of A levels. I just hate A levels so much so this milestone is quite important to me, since it means I only have to endure college for another six months. The unneeded pressure of A levels will soon be over and hopefully then I can breath.
I have had some good memories at sixth form this year; I have met some wonderful people, I have gotten closer to some of my friends, I only study what I want to and I have some amazing teachers. Which are all brilliant because I have experienced so many things but I feel as if I am lagging behind and have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way to the now. I just do not feel right at the moment, I feel as if I am meant to live a different life at the moment. Maybe my self doubt is my downfall.
There is a lot to doubt though. I have stressed maybe too much, I have lost contact with some of my closest friends, I have fallen out with people, in other words I have become a walking talking soap opera. I cannot let go of those facts. Living in the past is enhancing my anxiety and my self doubt. Its turning into something I can’t control and something I can’t be. Something I won’t be.
In my mind my hopelessness is linked with college. It’s the only big thing in my life which has changed me and when it is over maybe my negativeness will be too. The stress that has been involved in my life recently has been linked to college and expectations. Both tie together quite nicely and involve college way more than it should. Stress from not wanting to fail and trying not to let people down. Caring for what everyone else sees as me as made me doubt and made me weak, in some aspects.
When I finish college or at least have a break I think that is when I will finally relax and feel like myself again. It will give me time to recover, to plan, to relax and hopefully I will find myself again and feel right.