I don’t want to Grow Up

Recently a lot of my friends have turned 18. Even today one of my dearest friends has just turned 18. I know crazy like it feels like only five minutes ago that I started secondary school and that I just met her but now I’m in my final year of college andย she’s going to university in September to do Bio Science. We’re are all growing so old. It’s just so crazy. Most of my friends can vote and be trusted to do adultie stuff, when only a blink ago we didn’t know each other and were just learning the alphabet. Where does the time actually go? Is there a secret place somewhere where time stops or goes slower, if so I need to find where it is.

The future has always scared me. Adults always talk about what they regret, what i should do with my life, how to live my life and all that talk has just confused me. How can I know what to do with my life when I have never worked in a big enough selection of fields to decide from their what I want to do? Why would your regret change anything in my life? People have different lives and are different so why would your regrets be any where close to mine?Why did I have to pick what future I want at such a young age? I have changed so much over the years and honestly I would have not picked the same GCSE’s if I knew know what I knew then. All these questions flood my mind and kind of terrify me. I don’t want to be in my forties and hate everything about my life. I don’t want to be one of those people who regret not doing what they could have done.

So turning into an adult for me is quite scary. Especially since everyone is going into different directions. I feel like all my friends are going to leave me or tare me to go into different directions similar to themselves since I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go. They all have dreams or some direction and I just feel left behind. I gave up on my dreams years ago, since nothing really worked for me. Watching my friends talk of dreams and hopes I get kind of jealous since I have taught myself not to be like that since most people tell me my dreams are unreachable or that I cannot possibly want that. When you turn into an adult you either reach for your dreams or you settle for whatever is given to you. I don’t want to be part of the second option. I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle that doesn’t end. I don’t want a routined life.

When I talk how the future scares me all anyone ever says is to talk to the careers advisor but the careers advisor can only advise one part of your life. They can’t tell you whats the best place to live to suit your personality or if you will actually find love. People just gather that the only part of the future that scares you is the career option whereas it all scares me. People scare me. The world in which I will awake to scares the living daylights out of me. What happens when my life is in ruins when I’m grown up who do I turn to? Will the same support be there? No careers advise can make this anxiety of the future disappear by telling me my perfect job. What happens if my perfect job becomes my perfect nightmare. Can the careers advisor help me then? No, the future is more than a job, its a different lifestyle to the one i have now.

I like change, in fact the norm is one of my most hatred things. Its just I don’t think i can deal with the change from child to adult. I can barely deal with my life now, how am i going to deal with it in the future. I only have one dream that people would see as reachable and a bit stupid and i am going to go for it. At least I tried if I failed. I just hope I don’t have an grown up mind when i do it. As Allison from the Breakfast Club said, “all dreams die when you become grown up”. I certainly hope I don’t grow up if that quote is true and that is why the future scares me.

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