I’m still alive!!!!

Lets start with the facts.

1) Its been like 6 months since i have written a blog post.

2) I have just finished college officially so now Jess is a free student

3) This year has definitely been the most stressful year of my life

4) I’m now 18 therefore an adult which means i can legally drink alcohol and do things adults do. (All i have gathered adults do is drink wine, bitch, and try to avoid being responsibility)

5) Instead of going on a gap year I have decided to go to university straight away

6) I grew out my fringe, had the ends of my hair dip dyed, gone purple twice, now i have dip dyed hair again and should shortly be going blue.

So theirs the facts. Now to explain the facts.

My grades last year were not the best grades in the world to my standards so this year I have retaken nearly everything to bring my grades up to something I would be proud of. As well as doing this I have done a maths exchange with a school in Sweden, worked 7 days a week from September to Christmas, joined an AS class so that I could relearn a subject and tried to party hard as well since all my friends have or are turning 18 this year. I’ve been quite a busy bee all year. At one point I was arranging an 18th birthday pamper by myself for 10 people to give to one person while balancing double the schoolwork of all my friends put together and a part time job so my hobbies like my blog has kinda taken a backseat. `It also did not help that as my stress with schoolwork and my job grew so did my anxiety.

I had no idea what I was doing was right or not or whether or not I should be going down that path. “What happens if I don’t pass? What happens if i end up hating university? What if all my friends only tolerate me because i can make people laugh? What if all my work is for nothing? Am I doing all this because I want to or is society telling me to?”, all these questions circled my head all year round and made me break down in my worst case five times a week. My closest friends and family were so worried about me because these breakdowns became normal to me to have instead of just a stress build up and realise. All I was doing was working, even if I was at a party all I could think of at the back of my head was what I was going to revise next. I became a slave to revision but now I’m free completely.

So what happened with the exams. I think they went well all I’m worried about is my A2 maths exams but that was my worst subject so it should be expected. However all I can do now is wait so there is no point in stressing about it. As soon as my exams were finished I was on a whirlwind. After my last exam my family came round to have a buffet to celebrate my 18th which was amazing since we hardly ever all of us get together even though we all live in the same town. The next day I went to Whitby for the day with my aunt and uncle. The Friday I had a party with my friends for my 18th then I worked the Saturday. Even though Sunday is meant to be the day of rest I flew with my friend Rachel to the Cyprus School of Art to attend the Summer School for two weeks. Rachel went and is sill there for six weeks.

Cyprus was the exact breather i needed to get enthusiastic about my future. Now I have realised that I’m ready to go to university and if it doesn’t go how I wanted it to its not the end of the world. I have realised that my friends love me no matter what and that I am independent and have a bright future. I know now that all my doubt was just my anxiety and stress talking and that whatever happens is for the best. I’ve tried my best and in some cases more than my best. I have given my all; blood, sweat and tears. The universe is always in my favour whether i see it or not so whatever happens it is for the best. My exam scores are not the be all and end all. It took me to go to another country and met a load of artists to realise that but now I’m back. My mind is unclogged. I have a new state of mind and so now I’m doing everything for me and only me.

So now I can proudly say “I’m back baby!!!!”

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